Obama's advisors cautioned him that a rise in coffee prices, (or, worse, an interruption in its' supply) would, in many ways, be even worse than an oil crisis. Petroleum is the essential fuel for traveling in vehicles powered by internal combustion engines; but for many people, coffee is the very prerequisite to thought itself! For millions of Americans, merely to function on getting out of bed in the morning is requires one, two or more cups of coffee at the breakfast table. Were the supply to suddenly dry up,inevitable anarchy, chaos and mass suicide would descend on all classes of society. It may be the case that cutting down on the amount of coffee one drinks reduces the risk of heart attack; yet the panic caused by going without one's daily ration is bound to exceed this benefit by an order of magnitude.
This stark reality applies with particular force to that sector of the electorate from which Barack Obama draws his greatest support: educated middle-class professionals, collegiate populations, militant minorities, political radicals. A sizable percentage of these groups consider coffee their basic nutrient. They can get through a few days without food, but are bound to go berserk if they don't have their daily coffee fix. It is not too much to say that the very future of the United States of America hung in the balance. President Obama deemed it nothing less than his patriotic duty to plunder Brazil's coffee industry, as well as whatever other countries were needed to guarantee cheap coffee for present and future generations.
"But", he is reputed to have asked his cabinet, "What pretext can I use to justify invading Brazil, plundering its' resources and turning it into an American colony? As far as I know, Brazil doesn't harbor any stores of weapons of mass destruction!"
It was time to consult the experts on such matters, that is to say the major figures in the former Bush administration. We are unfortunately unable to disclose the sources through which we have obtained a batch of 100,000 secret E-Mails. These have allowed us to construct an accurate picture of what went at this meeting. Present as representatives of the Obama administration were Barack Obama, Joseph Biden, Hilary Clinton, Leon Panetta, and Janet Napolitano. The members of the Bush administration included George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Condelezza Rice.
The meeting went on from 10 AM until well past midnight, with breaks for 3 meals, 2 coffee breaks (!) and a cocktail party. It was a no-nonsense affair; from it Obama's cabinet gleaned the following key facts:
It was decided at this meeting that the name of the military operation would be Operation Rolling Plunder
The question remains : when Hilary Clinton and Condalezza Rice run together on the Republicrat ticket of 2016, who will stand for vice-president while the other runs for president?
Lean back, drink up, and take it easy.