Editorial April 3, 2012

Watch while President Obama launches the next pre-emptive strike

We are waiting on the White House memoir that will tell us the exact date on which Barack Obama recognized that if he wanted to be re-elected president he would have to declare war on Brazil. The reason? The average price across the United States of a cup of coffee (before taxes!) in a run-of-the-mill restaurant was poised to exceed $2. At that price, ordinary Americans would no longer be able to afford the daily grind of 2 to 8 cups of coffee needed to cope with the daily grind of the hard knocks of life. A total breakdown of the social order was not ruled out, indeed forseeable. In any case,whatever political party happened to be power at that moment was certain to be swept away.

Obama's advisors cautioned him that a rise in coffee prices, (or, worse, an interruption in its' supply) would, in many ways, be even worse than an oil crisis. Petroleum is the essential fuel for traveling in vehicles powered by internal combustion engines; but for many people, coffee is the very prerequisite to thought itself! For millions of Americans, merely to function on getting out of bed in the morning is requires one, two or more cups of coffee at the breakfast table. Were the supply to suddenly dry up,inevitable anarchy, chaos and mass suicide would descend on all classes of society. It may be the case that cutting down on the amount of coffee one drinks reduces the risk of heart attack; yet the panic caused by going without one's daily ration is bound to exceed this benefit by an order of magnitude.

This stark reality applies with particular force to that sector of the electorate from which Barack Obama draws his greatest support: educated middle-class professionals, collegiate populations, militant minorities, political radicals. A sizable percentage of these groups consider coffee their basic nutrient. They can get through a few days without food, but are bound to go berserk if they don't have their daily coffee fix. It is not too much to say that the very future of the United States of America hung in the balance. President Obama deemed it nothing less than his patriotic duty to plunder Brazil's coffee industry, as well as whatever other countries were needed to guarantee cheap coffee for present and future generations.

"But", he is reputed to have asked his cabinet, "What pretext can I use to justify invading Brazil, plundering its' resources and turning it into an American colony? As far as I know, Brazil doesn't harbor any stores of weapons of mass destruction!"

It was time to consult the experts on such matters, that is to say the major figures in the former Bush administration. We are unfortunately unable to disclose the sources through which we have obtained a batch of 100,000 secret E-Mails. These have allowed us to construct an accurate picture of what went at this meeting. Present as representatives of the Obama administration were Barack Obama, Joseph Biden, Hilary Clinton, Leon Panetta, and Janet Napolitano. The members of the Bush administration included George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Condelezza Rice.

The meeting went on from 10 AM until well past midnight, with breaks for 3 meals, 2 coffee breaks (!) and a cocktail party. It was a no-nonsense affair; from it Obama's cabinet gleaned the following key facts:

  1. That the actual presence of weapons of mass destruction in Brazil was totally beside the point. Indeed, the absence of such weaponry was a plus: if they were never discovered one could never prove that they weren't there. Anyway, weapons of mass destruction comprise more than atomic bombs and Cruise missiles; they might also include stashes of curare and piranha fish.

  2. That the huge extent of the Amazon jungle provides more than enough cover for concealing factories and laboratories to manufacture nuclear, chemical and biological weapons; depots and warehouses to hide and store them; testing grounds; and sources of raw materials. Brazil could camouflage the entire operation in such a way that it would not be uncovered in a thousand years. In fact all that was needed is a few months

  3. That it would be easier to build up a new coalition for the invasion of Brazil from the coffee-consuming nations, than it had been to organize a coalition for the invasion of Iraq from the oil-consuming nations. This was collateral benefit, as it would take the heat off the Middle East by including several of the nations from which coffee originated: Turkey, Ethiopia, Yemen, Saudi Arabia ..

  4. That the anti-American rantings of Hugo Chavez could be used as evidence that Brazil was planning to invade the United States. They're all Latinos , aren't they? How does on tell them apart?

  5. That a pre-emptive strike was necessary to prevent a coordinated attack on the US from a coalition of left-leaning South American governments, including but not restricted to Venezuela, Cuba, Nicaragua, Bolivia, Ecuador, Costa Rica and Brazil.

It was decided at this meeting that the name of the military operation would be Operation Rolling Plunder

Even as I write this, troops from the United States and other members of the Coalition of the Willing are being withdrawn from Iraq and Afghanistan, and are being stationed in Puerto Rico, the Falklands, Panama, Guatemala and Colombia. The benefits are already being felt. My informants tell me, that between midnight and 6 PM on March 21, 2012, the median price of a cup of coffee in New York dropped 20 cents!

The question remains : when Hilary Clinton and Condalezza Rice run together on the Republicrat ticket of 2016, who will stand for vice-president while the other runs for president?

Lean back, drink up, and take it easy.

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