Putting all other labors aside I wrote out a campaign speech which he was encouraged to use, without charge or even acknowledgement, if it would help to hoist him back into office. I've never heard from him since, but one can assume that he got the message:
"I've never forgotten it; and here it is! There was this chimp, you see, climbing trees, or vines over there is some kind of jungle in one of them foreign countries ... like El Salvador ... most likely in Hula-Hula land (Chuckle) ...Aw Shucks! I know all about them foreign places, I've made movies in them! I mean, look here .. I just don't walk around bragging like my fool opponent ( who hasn't got a Chinaman's chance on hell of being elected) , I repeat, bragging about how he made good marks in geography, and .. and civics , in high school! Why, I don't recall we ever studied them subjects back then. Our priorities just aren't the same in small-mind America. Ordinary folks have got more important things to worry about: making bombs, and squeezing the poor, and .... and becoming President!
"Seem to recall we spent a lot of time playing cowboys and Indians, too! Well! So, okay! There was this chimp, eatin' a banana and happy as the day is long. They only eat bananas over there ...... 'sceptin' when they're eatin' each other! Har, har, har!!
"Say! Did ya ever hear that old joke about the two cannibals who run into one another in the jungle? And the first one says to the ... Hey! Where the hell am I? Right! That chimp! And his banana.... That chimp, by the way was only a monkey, but he was a damn sight smarter than all them liberal East-Coast Harvard-educated Jewish-lawyer types that my precessor, John F. Kennedy - (F, that's for "freeloader") - brought to Washington on the Democrat gravy train ... until the Bay of Pigs showed the whole world what a dodo HE was!
"Then, to top it all off, he had to go get himself killed! (Sigh) .. Ah me ... 'Nul Nisi Bonum Moratorium' .. however the damn thing goes.
"Speaking of moratoriums: Any God-fearing American who can't see that the whole Nuclear Freeze Movement is only a notorious Communist plot spear-headed by sponging welfare mothers, has been thoroughly brain-washed by the lick-spittle, time-serving plutocratic liberal press!
"Even my chimpanzee knows that much, sittin' out there in that jungle, eatin' that banana. Why, the media in this country is totally without any sense of shame! They'll stick up for the so-called 'civil rights' of every queer and pinko in the land, but they never seem to be able to find a good word for my patriotic Star Wars program, my way of giving employment to millions of deserving Americans who aren't too proud to roll up their sleeves and go to work! Which just goes to show that if you're against me, you've got to be a lazy bum!
"So! Getting' back to that chimp. Look at him! Look at him, folks, swingin' high up there through the trees, in that jungle over there in Bananaland! And he's thinkin':
' I would like to make me a great nation, unified under God and against abortion, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the preposition that all chimps with an income above $100,000 a year are created equal! '
"Ladies and Gentlemen! That baboon is stuck over there in the dark, dark jungle, surrounded by primitive heathens who don't know a thing about modern technology, dreaming day-dreams that haven't got the chance of a rat in a cloud of nuclear fallout of coming true!
"Yet, such a nation does exist! You're livin' in it! America! The greatest nation on earth, God bless it! And when I'm re-elected as your President I will dedicate myself to the preposition of making it all come true!
"In closing, I want all of you standing out there in front of me, watching on TV or listening on the radio, to think about this for a moment: Since I'm going to be re-elected anyway, and there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it ..... if somebody's goin' to have to push the button, wouldn't you rather it be me?"