Noting that the same may be said for masturbation, contraception and the consumption of chickens' eggs, one ought all the same place the Vatican's censure in its proper historical perspective: from the Renaissance into the 20th century the Vatican periodically condemned the practice of castrating little boys to produce powerful soprano voices, while ampling provisioning its own stable of castrati for the Sistine Chapel choir.
However on this occasion the Pope was not speaking ex cathedra: his authority was based on the conclusions of a learned society known as the Vatican Bioethics Institute . Among its directors, we have reason to believe, are 3 monkeys with their hands over ears, eyes and mouth.
In any case, if the US government is persuaded by religious conservatives to withhold federal funding from research on fetal or "primordial" cells, the problem still remains as to what to do with the more than 100,000 embryos hanging out in suspended animation in the freezers of fertility clinics.
We concur heartily in the judgement that the monstrous crime of flushing 100,000 children of God down lab toilets is comparable only to the Holocaust. To avoid this besmirching blight on the spotless laboratory smock of modern medicine, the editors of Ferment have come up with an alternative which it hopes will be of more lasting benefit to mankind:
In the first step of a promotional campaign and media blitz, we propose that a contest be announced, the prize to be given to the inventor of the most imaginative, tasty and nutritious preparation of an embryo omelette .
Embryo omelettes may turn out to be the culinary revolution of the 21st century. Any viral family ( perhaps with the help of Viagra and other aids) can produce them in their own home, from materials readily available to even the poorest couples. Ultimately fashionable restaurants may decide to maintain their own in vitro fertilization clinics so as to guarantee an inexhaustible supply of primordial fetal cells for differentiation at the creative whim of a master chef.
The embryo omelette industry may also be given a boost from the genetic engineers. Through gene insertion on embryonic pre-omelette cell lines, one will be able to pre-fabricate chunks of ham, chopped onions,parsley, chilis and, indeed, a complete range of condiments and spices! Even things such as catsup, horse radish, hot sauce, butter and sour cream could be generated via gene recombination techniques on the embryo!
It is expected that fanatic right-wing vegetarian zealots will have a field day. Imagine hoardes of picketeers descending on Escoffier's holding signs proclaiming:
After the marriage ceremony a couple could be encouraged to opt to spend their honeymoon in a fertility clinic. At that time hundreds of their pre-embryos can be frozen for later use in the generation of lines of stem cells. Over the years these can be tapped for components of delicious anniversary omelettes.
A month or so before each anniversary the couple calls their restaurant of choice to place an order for the kinds of omelettes they want. The restaurant in turn gets in touch with the clinic. At the dinner of their anniversary celebration the couple, their families and friends, can share in the delectable experience of feasting on the products of their first copulation!
A few words to avoid being misunderstood: We fully appreciate the qualms of the Pope, Bush and other religious conservatives. We therefore deem it imperative that the ingredients that go into the manufacture of embryo omelettes not be permitted in federally funded soup kitchens!
Editorial of July22,2001