Every day, every new scientific discovery, every newspaper headline supplies us with additional evidence that no random combination of activities, devoid of consciousness, could have cobbled together a Universe so manifestly clumsy in its conception, design, architecture and construction. The God who built this mess must certainly have been the village idiot on Mount Olympus. Merely to contemplate the stupidities incorporated in the constitution of the Solar System, the galaxies, Black Holes, quasars, the Periodic Table, the elementary particles, the Earth and all that dwell within it, (including last but not least the human race) ought to be enough to convince the most hard-bitten sceptic or free-thinker that Evolution is just plain wrong! This fundamental truth, the inevitable consequence of any dispassionate examination of the data of the senses, have led me and a number of my colleagues to propose the promulgation of a new creed promising salvation to all faithful believers: Unintelligent Design, U.D., or God The Bungler.
Some case histories: By a sloppy clean-up of stray asteroids in the Solar System, God undermined his own project, extending over millions of years, of building up the many species of dinosaurs. It doesn't take an Einstein to realize that by allowing even one asteroid to get out of hand HE might risk the destruction of whole ecosystems!
God must have been dozing when he forgot to align the "rare earths" in his Periodic Table, just dumping them in somewhere around number 58, without regard to Universal Harmony, a coherent science of chemistry, or even simple logic! What about the gaping hole between Hydrogen and Helium? Such bungling is the paradigm for Unintelligent Design.
And when HE fabricated horses to help mankind travel around, why didn't HE make them run faster? Millions of decent people have perished in medical emergencies and natural disasters over the millennia, just because God neglected to give the horse two extra legs and a racing speed of a hundred miles per hour. Its because of HIS infernal incompetence that WE were forced to invent automobiles, which have killed millions more and devastated the environment. And did it even occur to HIM to do something about the horseshit we've had to clean up??
Famine, war, natural disasters, diseases, climate change, infanticide xenophobia, genocide - I know it must offend some people to qualify the God who designed the human condition as a first-class klutz, but what can I say: if the shoe fits, wear it!
Unintelligent Design is the religion of the future, make no mistake about it. U.D. is actually much closer to the spirit of Creationism than it is to I.D. , Intelligent Design. That's because the I.Q. level of your typical creationist is on a par with that of the Ruler of the Universe, the Maker of All. There's nothing inconsistent with the worship of a God made in your image, if HE's the one responsible for fashioning you in HIS image!
Intelligent Design is not intelligent; Unintelligent Design is far more intelligent. Doubtless Adam and Eve bumbled along much like their Creator until random mutations germinated a healthier and smarter breed. (It appears that one must introduce "natural selection" at some point to explain why some of us, at least, do a better job at some things than the universal evidences of mediocrity encountered on all sides.)
Only crass idiocy could have invented an anatomy as screwed up as ours! Try raising your ring finger from a flat hand position on a table! Does it take an Edison to dream up fireproof skin? Why did HE take the capacity of fish to breathe under water away from us? If God had left us with the ability to photosynthesize we would never have had to wear ourselves to the bone farming plants which still have that ability: you don't see a tree or flower toiling from dawn to dusk with a mattock and hoe! Its God, God, the Ruler of the Universe, a dull-witted clod and buffoon, who cursed us with worthless bodies full of anomalies, weak tissues, and botched and useless organs. Only a dumbbell could have installed an appendix in our groin, useful only to enrich surgeons. And who was the wise-guy that gave us wisdom teeth, huh?
The theory of Unintelligent Design has other corrective applications outside of evolutionary theory. Elementary Particle and String theorists will be happy to learn that the structure of matter does not come from symmetries broken shortly after the Big Bang but from nothing more than sheer stupidity. Why invoke wobbling strings in 26 dimensional Space, when plain old-fashioned goofing-off explains things so much more simply? Indeed, the great principle of Occam's Razor demands that one puts one's faith in Unintelligent Design.
All those who share my disgust with the callous atheistic heresy mislabeled Modern Biology are welcome to join with me in launching a crusade to demand that Unintelligent Design be taught in every high school and college in the land as the best alternative to Darwinian Evolution!
(ii)The Flying Spaghetti Monster